I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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