I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
