I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
