Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
