Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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