If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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