We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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