Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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