so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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