my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
