My liver just broke up with me...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
barbara walters just said penis...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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