Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
