I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
