i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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