If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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