He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
They should really pass out barf bags in church
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize