Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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