My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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