everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My vagina is officially offended.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
