I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
