I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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