My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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