Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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