take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm too high and old for this...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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