and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
