Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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