Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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