so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
