I need help removing her.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
