i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
