Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
