I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
