I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
