I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
