sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
