I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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