i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
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