I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize