if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
