Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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