i just had sex bonerless
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
