I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
