i want to fuck
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it's pretty self explanatory
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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