I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize