He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
