My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize