Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
