Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize