final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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