so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
