He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
