My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Everything about him screamed your future.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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