She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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