I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
