Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
