she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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