I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize