I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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