tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
