Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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