I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
