that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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