just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
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