I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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